Of A Sakura On Naruto's 'Poopy' List
by AngelOfContemplation
Summary: In which Sakura is clueless, Naruto is extremely annoyed, Sasuke has a solution, and Kakashi is amused. Saku Bashing, Boy love, and an indulgent sensei. Enjoy my dears!


**A/N:** There was this plot bunny who tried to hand me this idea nicely, but I ignored it. I think I still have the mental bruises from it smacking me with the words until I agreed to type like a good little slave. Plot bunnies are brutal… Anyway, here's a story about Naruto and Sasuke and Sakura, please enjoy!

**Warnings: **Cusswords run rampant in places, Sakura is bashed constantly, and two guys are in a loving relationship. In other words people, yaoi. So if you don't like two guys together, you might as well hit the back button now and save us both the headache your rant would cause. If you love Sakura… you really don't want to read this story. There are mentions of bodily harming the girl. Her intelligence level leaves bacterial rings in the toilet it's flushed down.

**Disclaimers:** I do not own Naruto or the world he belongs in, that honor belongs to others who are unfortunately not me. If I did own it, you'd know as Sasuke and Naruto would've been together by season two and Sakura would've been safely distracted by Rock Lee. Anyways, enjoy the story y'all. If you think something's missing, don't hesitate to let me know. I'll go get the duct tape and piece it back together if need be. ^_^

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She was always in the way, the stupid girl. Why she ever thought that she would become important to him is a mystery to me. It's why I pretend to care so much for her, so that I can distract her from him. He knows my reasons and smirks every time she turns me down so viciously. Not because my pain amuses him, but because she actually thinks she's important enough to me outside of a barely there friendship that her refusals to go out with me could hurt my feelings.

He rarely spoke to her, but she thinks he's secretly shy and that it would ruin his stoic image to speak to her. It's a load of bull because he talks to me every day. Sensei laughs at her stupidity and worries for the poor girl's sanity. She hasn't understood what he truly meant by looking beneath what lies underneath a situation. Had she understood, then she'd know that he will never be hers. He is mine.

Her clinging to him disgusts us both and sends him directly into bloodlust. I'm the only reason he hasn't killed the foolish kunoichi yet. After all, why would I let him go to prison over that pathetic little bitch? All she ever does is whine and rant and rave as if she could ever change his mind. This girl who merely played at being a ninja just to win his heart… this little girl who had so little chakra that she could be praised only for her control over it… thought that she was worthy enough to handle a warrior like him.

He has nightmares almost every night of the day he'd come home to find his clan dead and his brother killing their parents. She'd never known that, never suspected it, and would never figure it out because I protect his secrets. When we're on a mission and I know that she could possibly hear him should he get caught in the tangled web of a night terror, I sleep lightly. Just one sound from his lips, or even the sound of his body beginning to move restlessly in his sleep, and I'm wide awake and by his side in mere seconds. I am the one who comforts him and brings him back to himself, back to me. I know what he needs and when he needs it while she remains clueless.

She doesn't even notice the way he and I communicate. All we need to do is look at one another and we understand what the other is thinking. We've completed missions successfully that way while she trembles uselessly. She calls me stupid, yet she's the one who refuses to see beneath the surface. This mask, the mask of the dobe, is much like the surface of a placid lake; the water above is still and remains almost unbroken, but beneath that placid surface, there is life and movement and the hint of something more that you could never see if you were to look upon the surface with no intention of diving into the waters below.

Who am I but a loud, obnoxious, attention-seeking, unpredictable prankster who uses brawn rather than brains? I am the one who has made it through the hell that my existence has been. I am the one who cherishes the ones I care for and loves unconditionally for love is without condition, and without boundaries. I am the one who merely has to hear the way to do a ninjutsu new to me to be able to learn it. I am Konoha's most surprising knuckleheaded ninja. I am the only thing keeping the demon that destroyed my village on my birthday back at the cost of my parents' lives and my right to have ever been a child.

I am the one who he decided to try and understand. I am the one he trusts without hesitation. I am the one he allows freely into his life, into his world. I am the one he cares to know. He knows me better than I know myself at times, just as I know him in much the same way. I am the one who can lay claim to his heart and keep it safe, right here in the palm of my hand, because he has freely given that precious and wonderful gift to me. My heart is his, as his is mine. We are as one person, one unit of two different individuals with a mismatched patchwork quilt of things in common and patches that are our own personal little quirks that fit together perfectly. We are as two halves of the same whole and she can't see it.

I'm beginning to hate her, you see, because she thinks she has a right to his heart, but his heart is mine. His heart has always been mine as the man it belongs to has and will always be. So he, in light of the fact that I've started encouraging his dark fantasies of all the different ways we could torture her to death, has decided that we will come out of our shared closet today if only to save her pitiful ass. Her blonde rival loves our situation because she sees the truth about us and our relationship. She's backed off, but our own teammate, who is around us every day, has yet to do the same.

So, here I am, grinning like a dobe as I walk to the bridge we always meet on. I see her roll her eyes and snort before squaring her shoulders in anticipation of my usual greeting and request for a date. As my foot falls upon the first plank, my mask drops and I smirk in that sexy way that he so loves because he says it makes me look like a predator stalking my prey. He knows that I enjoy it as much as he does. His stoic mask falls as his pretty lips curve into a genuine smile.

I can hear her gasp and I glower at her, making her take three steps back as I snarl and snap when I pass her. Who was she to be so close to my lover? Snorting at her fear, I allow the smirk to grace my lips once more and look upon him with love. I knew we were beautiful together. Me, the brilliantly shining sun, and he the gloriously beautiful moon; we were as night and day, each beautiful in their own right, but neither seen without the other close by.

I'm standing before him now, watching him as he steps closer to me without a word. His pale fingers ghost over my cheek and I lean gently into his palm when I feel it rest where his fingers had been. I hear her gasp again, and I know it's for the pure love shining in our eyes. It's the feeling that blossoms warmly in our chests and makes a secure home there.

Moments, mere seconds pass and my arms are securely around his waist, holding his lithe body against my sturdier frame. The kiss we're sharing is one that speaks of two people very intimate with one another and comfortable in that shared intimacy. We pull back, just enough to rest our foreheads against one another and smile tenderly.

His voice is soft, but strong, and full of the emotion he speaks of. "I love you Namikaze Naruto."

The fool seems to be full of nothing but gasps now as I hear her let loose another one. Seems she didn't know that particular secret either. Then again, I could count on one hand all the people who knew that Namikaze Minato, the Yondaime Hokage, was my father. Uzumaki was my mother, Kushina's, surname. It helped keep me safe from those who would kill me for being the spawn of the Yellow Flash.

"I love you Uchiha Sasuke."

I hear a thud as Sakura faints, and then Kakashi's amused chuckle. It was obvious to me that he did nothing to catch the falling girl though he had the speed needed to have saved her from future pain. His voice is much more welcome to both of us than Sakura's banshee-like voice had been over the years.

"When you two come out of the closet, you do it with style. For your commendable slaying of the banshee this morning, I give the two of you the rest of the day off. Rest assured that she will be in hell while the two of you are off relaxing."

Oh yes, we do so adore our crazy, oddball, perverted sensei. After a nod to the man both of us see as a crazy and fun uncle, we walk, hand-in-hand, to the nice apartment we have shared for two years now. After all, we had some very important cuddling to get back to. Although, when cuddling loses its appeal, I know neither of us would object to more… aerobic exercises…

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**A/N: **And there ya go! I hope you enjoyed this trip into the wonderful world of Naruto. Sakura was bashed because I don't like her today. Her character has always ticked me off, so I've enjoyed myself. Anyways, hope you all enjoyed the story! Toodles! ^.^


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